So Many Sprinkles
I never considered myself to be dressing 'up' on a daily basis. I simply, get dressed. It didn't register to me that putting on clothes can be a stressor for so many; that what they perceive must be a huge feat every morning, is really just cosplay for me.
To answer a common question about whether I "dress like this" everyday, I decided to document one whole month. It was far less fun than anticipated. After a few purposeful outfits, I became worn out with the intentional selection process. The idea of clothing myself for the camera. What used to be a delightful and spontaneous morning ritual became a chore. And the request for sometimes repeat #ootd photographers is a flat-out annoyance.
I started out with Rachel Roy and Charles Jourdan at work and happy hour, and ended with an embellished Oscar de la Renta caftan and silk scarf from Sri Lanka on a trip to the Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi.
But beneath the fits are moods. Sometimes I let a bright look carry my lack of enthusiasm into a better posture by the afternoon. Sometimes I'm feeling so rested and optimistic and give myself the time to paint my face a bit, braid my hair. Sometimes, I'm so down, I just don't care. Social media is a highlight reel. And a smile is no more guarantee of happiness than a white strand of hair is of wisdom.
Overall, this was quite a stressful month for me. I have not been displaced by one of the many devastating floods last month that swallowed cities up whole. I have citizenship. My family is safe. I am of sound mind. All that can be true, yet a wave of helplessness wash over you.
I am a planner. Big disruptions are usually foreseen. I make contingency plans for those. But it's the little things that eat away at me. Recently engaged, we decided on a small dinner for family after a courthouse wedding this fall. We will only be engaged three months. We needed to get the invitations out considering a shorter notice. The logistics have to be included. Design the cards, cut the list from both sides waaaaaayyyyy down, rally up the email addresses, select a venue, contact judges who can officiate. Start looking for dresses and rings. And oh yeah, I'm moving back to the states without a place to live. Research apartments every night to send to my brother who can visit in person for us. Figure out how to get stuff shipped from Dubai and out of storage in Harlem and settled into the new place before starting the new gig.
I cracked. A couple times. I had to take a mental health day for the first time on the 9th. I snoozed five times before my carpool was about to leave, not realizing my body had rebelled. An odd summer's cold had taken hold following a trip to Egypt, but that had never stopped me from going into work before. My mind was exhausted not from productivity, but setbacks. The expectation that a few sleepless nights would be worth the progress made was unraveled by ravenous real estate agents, misleading listings, exorbitant prices, unavailable wedding locations, sold out hotel blocks, and family disappointed in our low-key nuptials. Concerned for my people back home. Still hosting and entertaining traveling friends, for whom I dreaded not being ready. But when they arrived, provided the most wonderful distractions to my madness.
When put in perspective with what could always be worse and what others have to deal with, it's really nothing. And that got to me too. Why do the small things bother me so?? The main tenets in life are in tact, and yet the sprinkling of continual difficulties are wearing me all the way down. I gather that it's not any one thing, rather a culmination of changes happening at once and the feeling of being out of control that does not seem to sit well with my personality. In any case, I took some time to reflect, and regained my sanity and composure enough to put on a great face by the time I left the house to celebrate a friend's birthday or manage projects during the work day.
By the time I had some comforting conversations with loved ones who eased my nerves, my brother and I were closing in on a new place in BK. With that one big decision out of the way, I could start to tackle the little details again. A friend at work encouraged me to shop for bridal gowns while here in Dubai. On a whim, I got a couple appointments, and am coming home with an amazing find. Now side by side, I can see the differences in my pictures. Can you?
My Issa mirror pep-talk: "Dentjusay this was the life you wanted, booboo? Here you go. Pick yourself back up and get yo shit together!"
So many sprinkles. Too little ice cream.
