Long D
That's right. The D stands for distance. You thought. But now that I have your attention...
Long distance relationships. Yeah. I'm in one. When people find out, most are incredulous.
OMG that could never be me.
How long? Isn't it hard?
Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you think he's cheating?
When do you see each other?
Do you miss him?
I understand. 2 years. Yes. Because he's my favorite person, but we work in different cities. No. Once a month until I moved abroad. Yes.
One out of every ten people I talk to is actually encouraging, sharing stories of their own LD experience, telling me that the right person is absolutely worth the wait. I love hearing those. It's helpful. Whether I'm going through a bout of doubt or we just left off a conversation in an awkward place, a good word adds perspective.
Of course it's difficult. I don't think that's the point. I don't believe in soul mates in the sense that we are destined one perfect match in life, because what are the odds that out of billions of people, that one person lives within a 15 mile radius of you? I think each of us has the potential to be highly compatible with many individuals, and regardless of with whom we choose to live our lives, it takes consistent work. I therefore took distance off the table as a short-term limitation to companionship, and opened my criteria.
We met while dating other people. A great friendship survived many moves and life changes. I so wanted to find someone who lived a similar lifestyle in the city, but I was also expected many times to compromise my faith or what it means to be courted just to audition for a spot on someone's roster. I kept meeting handsome, fun, ambitious men who I couldn't align with about prenups, Cosby (!!!), gender roles, BLM, health disclaimers, monogamy, or mothering dependencies... I wondered aloud why I couldn't find someone who simply treated me like my longtime friend. Alex and Jumi held me accountable at the time, immediately inquiring to what now looks like the obvious, "Well have you tried him??"
I hadn't considered it. Mainly because I loved loved loved NYC and I knew he couldn't stand the thought of living there. Didn't want to start something with no end in sight. But the more I thought about it, the more I agreed with them. It's much easier to adjust your circumstances than it is to replicate an amazing partnership. I admittedly brushed up against the possibility in a not-so-romantic fashion via text one night. But once he realized I wasn't being facetious, we eventually considered becoming more.
While I did at one point live in the same city as this man of mine, our educational and career pursuits took different paths. We've purposefully worked hard to stay connected these past couple years, despite the annoyance of logistics. With grad school starting up in the fall at UT, I couldn't be prouder of all he's accomplished thus far. It's a joy to watch him evolve and to be witness to all that he will do.
I love that I can be me. And I don't think there's a trait you can pinpoint in someone which allows the proper space for that because it means different things for everyone. But I can bust out in song over the deliciosity of some french fries, do a virtual fashion show for advice every time I pack for a trip, walk through my talking points for a difficult upcoming discussion at work, exchange ratchet memes before bed, ideate business plans, twerk while managing the stovetop, and talk about the how hard the current news is weighing on my soul.
For whatever reason, my anxiety gets the best of me every now and then. I am constantly asking 'what ifs' with this man, trying to find the scenario or reason in which he'd be willing to part ways. He comes up with gold every time. I don't know why or how. But it's a new feeling to be met with patience and thoughtfulness as a response to my state of discomfort in uncertainty.
A person that wants to be with you will make you a priority. Sometimes we need to be proactive and purposeful. And sometimes we gotta slow down to let somebody catch our running ass.
We may not be closing the D anytime soon. But it's been an adventure full of love and self-realization watching it unfold.
I have no advice. Just creating a space to share one example in hopes that it may encourage someone out there questioning current or potential relationships to know that whatever your circumstances, personality, physical appearance, interests or flaws, you are worthy of love.
